


Shore Leave

by PurpleDragoness



Series: Mass Effect [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Recreational Drug Use, Renegade Commander Shepard, Romance, Sci-Fi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-01-21 12:56:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1551248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleDragoness/pseuds/PurpleDragoness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Citadel was an active place to gather missions this time around, forcing me to dock there more than I would have liked to. My apartment was a welcomed respite from the end-all mission. There were still things to deal with before we risked everything to stop the cycles of destruction. And... having an apartment all to yourself can have a few advantages when dating a turian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't say this for "Citadel Afterparty" so I'll say it here. A lot of the Shepards I read are paragon, and most of these stories are in third person. Well, I'm a renegade girl, through and through, only nice to my squad, so my Talia is a bit... different than the Sheps I've read. So, hopefully I have a few fellow renegades out there looking for a good read for our very lovely human/turian couple. As for the point of view, as a "choose your own fate" sort of game, and how immersive it is, I see these stories as great chances for first person When I play, I am Talia, and so I'd like that to reflect in my writing, and I'd like you all as readers to take on the perspective of her, or by envisioning your own renegade Shepard. I try to leave her specific details out, and stick to generics that our Jane has (from my perspective, all our custom names should be middle names, so I've got Jane Talia Shepard XD). So I think I've chewed your ears off enough. On with the actual story!

I dragged a towel through my hair, glad to be rid of the after-battle gunk. I was never a priss, but what girl could say no to a hot shower? It wasn’t exactly the hot tub that waited for me at the apartment, but it worked just as well to clean. I hissed at a sudden knot on my side. The shower worked well in the cleanliness area, but not so much in relaxation. I wrapped the towel over my chest, leaving my hair to dry on its own.

The door slid open as I approached it, running a brush through my shoulder-length locks. I frowned at my private terminal as I saw it flashing. I put the brush down next to the terminal and brought up the message.

_Commander,_

_Since we have to go all over the Citadel to drop shit off, why not take a day to relax?_

_-Joker_

I smiled and shook my head. Why not? I needed the break from the missions and the bullets. Not that it ever stopped idiots from causing my trigger finger to “slip” while I was trying oh-so hard to get rid of my scars. Karin had insisted several times she could heal them if I couldn’t keep my bullets in their clip, but I didn’t see the point. I did what I had to do. I gave very little chances to warrant my mercy to those who met my gun.

Besides. I wasn’t the only one to be driven wild by scars.

I sat at the terminal, clicking reply.

_Why not? It’d be nice to sleep in my own apartment for once._

I leaned back in my chair, turning to watch the fish. I had missed my hamster, but he couldn’t be returned to the shelf. While I couldn’t hold the fish, I could still take some calm from their movements.

Immediately, my terminal pinged with messages, all asking if I wanted to do something when I had dropped off all the missions I had picked up around the Citadel. I groaned and let my head fall back to the rest. No rest for the wicked, indeed. I had given them a damned party last week, to raise their spirits about the inevitable battle.

I’d have to make a note to be a little less paragon with my crew if I wanted any moment of peace alone. Or, not really alone.

_“Shepard, is it just the alcohol talking, or do you have vids running in your head of us mostly naked, completely alone, and shamelessly rolling all over a couch?”_

I bit my lip, sorting through the messages. We had tried that, but there wasn’t much room to roll around on couches in my small seating area. That apartment, however…

_I heard they rebuilt the sushi place and included dextro seafood. We should go and have a few drinks._

_-Tali_

I frowned at that one. My friendship with Tali was starting to become strained. I was typically not a jealous woman. I knew he had been with other women, and he knew I had been with other men. From what I understood, he was actually quite attractive by turian standards, and so it didn’t surprise me if he ever turned heads. He took the turns I received with a grain of salt. He would just make more of a show to spur jealousy.

However, after going to check on him and her in both the main battery and engineering, I had found them conversing. His side was full of camaraderie, but hers… I was a woman. I knew the flirting games. I never used them, but I knew them just the same. There are some things a translator is not needed for.

Speaking of…

I needed to ask Chakwas something anyway

I got dressed, leaving the rest of the messages to sit for later. The ship time was pretty late anyway. The reason why I received so many messages was probably due to last-minute tablet dabbling as the others in my squad were supposed to be sleeping. When I was supposed to be sleeping. I frowned as I pulled a loose tank over my head, not bothering with a bra. I was going right to sleep after my inquiry. Hopefully. The nightmares were becoming too much.

I slipped a black N7 sweater over the white tank, pulling my wet hair from the hood. It was two sizes too big, but I made do. Apparently when I placed the order, they thought I was a man. I scoffed, pulling on black sleep shorts, long enough for my comfort. I hated crotch huggers, yet these still were almost invisible under the jacket. I wasn’t afraid of my legs. I worked damn hard for the physique I had.

I left the cabin, in search of some sort of escape to sleep for at least tonight. 

* * *

 

I exited the elevator, looking away from the names staring back at me on the board. I had long since convinced myself nothing could have been done for them. But those damned nightmares… that fucking kid. A sharp knot formed in my gut, setting my chest tighter. My heart reacted to the sudden shock, sending an aftershock down my limbs. I took a deep, steadying breath and quickened my bare-footed steps into the medical ward when I saw the lights still on. “Dr. Chakwas?”

She looked up from her work. “Commander? It’s late. You should be resting for your tour around the Citadel.”

I wish I had Kelly to talk to about the matter, but Chakwas was the only option. “I’ve been… having nightmares. Since we left Earth. I’ve been able to sleep through them so far, but… it’s getting harder too.”

She turned completely in her chair and indicated to a bed with her hand. I sat. “Dreams of what, Commander?”

“I—“ I didn’t want her to think I was crazy. But, this was the same woman who fully believed in my visions, as insane as they were at first. She was a woman I could trust. “I hear the dead. I see shadows of others who have perished.” I let the sleeves fall over my fingers as I held on to my arms. The sharp pinpricks were erupting over my chest again. “I’m in a forest. Chasing a boy I tried to save on Earth.” I saw she was looking intently at me, not moving. My heart quickened. “I can’t run. Time is slowed down, but the voices are still there. I hear Ash, Mordin, Thane even. Hell, Legion was there at one point.” I rubbed at my eyes. “I can’t sleep.” I got up suddenly. I had to move. It felt like if I didn’t move, I was going to burst. “I can’t… I don’t know what to do, Karin. I did what I had to. Every time. I did what had to be done for the greater good.” I wasn’t telling. I was asking. Pleading. I honestly wanted to know. Not from someone who thought so much like me it made me question if I were born to the correct species. I wanted to know from someone who didn’t think a pull of the trigger was easier than dragging a lowlife into a corrupt system for processing. “Didn’t I?”

“You did what you had to do, Commander. Do not ever question your calls. The krogan have proven they are capable of change. They have shown the rise in the genophage is something they have deserved for a long time now. Mordin gave his life to provide this, yes, but he was making recompense for what he had done to start it.” I kept pacing as she continued to talk. “Shepard, you have to make these calls. You’ve done it all your life.”

“I was never close to those I sent to their deaths,” I snapped, my pace stopping dead. I hadn’t known when it happened, but the crew had been my family. I never had one before, and I had become deathly protective. Everyone who died by my calls now tore me up inside, leaving me with holes I never knew I was capable of. My chest grew tight again, forcing my pace into motion. “I never knew the stories of the others from Torfan. I never knew who had family issues. I never knew who was treated poorly. I never knew when someone had unfinished business they needed help with. I did everything I could to see them home from the Relay so they could have a future.”

“First off, you need to breathe. You’re having a panic attack.”

I was trying. Nothing would calm me down enough to deal with this. Nothing on my own. I forced myself to sit down and take deep breaths to calm down a bit.

“Commander, you have done everything you could to make sure the galaxy avoided this exact situation. What happens now is something unavoidable. This is war, isn’t that what you used to say?”

It was truly what I believed. But that was in the beginning, before…

_“I love you.”_

I knew he’d ruin me for more than human men. “Things… change.”

She nodded, seeming to understand as my gaze flicked to the main battery, where I knew he would still be absorbed in his work until I reminded him that even overgrown lizards needed sleep at some points of the night. “Things are allowed to change.” She got up and searched one of her locked cabinets in the back of the ward. “Maybe your scarring would even start to clear up if you embraced the change.”

I chuckled, feeling a little more calm shine through. I supposed laughter really was a powerful medicine. “With how I handle situations? No, these scars and eyes are here to stay. You have no idea how many times I’ve screamed in my head to shoot many a son of a bitch in my way.”

She tossed a small bottle of pills in my hand, letting me see the label read my full name. “I suppose there is no helping it. You need that temperament to deal with that boyfriend of yours.”

I rolled the bottle in my fingers as she sat down again. “Honestly, I was like this before I met him. The cybernetics just show a physical manifestation of how little I will put up with.”

A corner of her mouth quirked up. “If I may be so bold, Commander?” I nodded. “Despite how many times I say to fix them… you look better with them. Heavens knows women with fair skin aren’t taken seriously until you have to press your gun to their temple. At least now you can’t be assumed to be anything but what your reputation has you labeled as.” She nodded to the bottle. “Sleeping pills. They’ll only put you to sleep, not keep you asleep. But at least this way dreams are not formed. You should be able to sleep a full night if you have no noise to wake you up.”

And with the constant hum of the engine, I was usually dead to the world, even on the worst of nights. I never felt or heard the mattress shift. However, I would for sure be in trouble if I chose to not sleep alone in the apartment. Which, given the dreams, was appearing more and more like a horrible idea to sleep alone. Especially since I hadn’t had time to accept I had a stationary (ha, space station, stationary, I’d have to remember that one) home in pretty much my whole life. “Thank you, Karin. Really.”

Her smirk broadened. “I wasn’t exactly an innocent girl in my early years either.” She leaned forward. “I believe it is your turn to provide the bottle of ice brandy for our meeting.”

I met her grin. “I’ll pick some up on the Citadel.”

“Now get some rest. You’ll need it for your tour.” She shooed me out of the med bay. I watched the lock turn red for the night and the shutters closed, leaving me basically alone on the crew deck. My eye caught the green of the main battery lock. I rolled my eyes, realizing he was absorbed yet again. I slipped the pills into my pocket and approached the door. Reminding him to come to bed in person could have an advantage over telling him on the comm. It took away the teasing of his voice on his way upstairs to get me ready for him, but I was right here anyway. I hesitated, my fingers over the lock as I heard his rumble of a tone on the other side.

It was late to be talking to anyone. I was fairly certain by his sleeping patterns Palavan time matched the Normandy’s fairly well, ruling out his family. That left… no, she wouldn’t. I touched the release, stepping inside on the balls of my feet, feeling a bit playful. I needed some sort of distraction to brush off the residual panic in my chest. Though my heart sank as I heard just the voice I hadn’t wanted to hear.

_“Somebody has to stick around to keep you in line.”_


	2. Chapter 2

He noticed a moment too late I had entered the battery. "Hold on, Tali." He tapped the console in front of him, muting his end of the conversation. "Shepard, need me for something?"

I arched a brow. "Yeah, for you to come to bed."

The equivalent of a frown graced his features as he checked the clock. "Usually you just ping me. Is something wrong?"

I nodded to the console. "I don't know. Is there? She's been calling an awful lot. And some of the things aren't so innocent." I had overheard enough of her calls as I went to ask him a quick question to know what was going on. I just wasn't sure how far it was going.

"We've all been through a lot. She seeks me out due to how long we've known each other, and I suppose our shared dextro lives." I shifted my weight, digesting his explanation. "That's all it is. You know I love you too much to ruin this."

I nodded, pulling apart my arms when I realized I had crossed them at some point. Though that didn't quell just exactly what word choices she had used in the past. "Seems a bit too easy to let you off with just a simple enlightenment."

_"Garrus? Are you still there?"_

We both looked at the console, and then at each other. I smirked. "Shouldn't you be a good friend and answer, Vakarian?"

"Should I? Because I'm having a feeling you want me to be a very bad friend and blow her off." I chuckled as his gaze finally flicked over me. "Then again, that feeling could just be me wanting to be a bad friend."

I came close enough to rest my hands against the console on either side of his waist, my finger over the mute button. "Don't stop talking." I tapped the button, ending his radio silence.

 _"Seriously, Garrus, what are you even doing?"_ Her giggle permeated the system. _"What, are you 'busy' in there by yourself or something?"_

I helped him out of the armor as quietly as we could. "I'm still here. Something needed my attention. I'm back now. What else did you want to discuss?"

_"I don't really know. I'm just so bored down here now that the others are gone for the night. My shift isn't over for another hour."_

I knelt in front of him as he let the last of his armor rest on the floor, tossing his gloves on top of the pile. He locked the console behind him, rendering the keyboard inactive. I unfastened the pants of his undersuit and pulled it down past his slit, seeing the plates already beginning to shift.

"Technically I should be going to bed, but I suppose I could entertain you for a while. I think I've found something to keep myself awake."

She snorted as I played with the slit lightly, knowing forcing it was never a good thing. His species was like a human woman. They needed to be coaxed sometimes. I felt more than heard the held-in rumble he made deep in his chest. _"Be honest, Garrus, you wouldn't be sleeping for a while yet, considering where you've been retiring for the night."_

"Guilty as charged." I felt his fingers run through my hair, encouraging me to go on. I did just as he wanted. He started to peek from his sheath, giving me something to focus on to finally stop teasing him.

_"We heard quite a bit the morning after our party. Quite a few… dirty details."_

"Oh, like what?" He was better at staying quiet than I gave him credit for. Then again, knowing turians were not above sex in public, being quiet would be a welcomed perk.

_"Garrus! I couldn't repeat what Shepard told us!"_

I saw the mischief in his eyes before he even did anything else. His fingers trailed through my hair again, the long claws sending shivers down my spine as I took his blue tip in my mouth, trailing my tongue against his arrowhead tip and over the ridges. Without warning he formed a fist, holding on to my hair tightly, moving me how he wanted. "I'd like to know what sort of rumors my girlfriend is throwing around."

I grinned around him. I heard the emphasis he had put on the relationship. So he did know what her subtle advances were.

 _"You were there. I'm sure you know,"_ she said, discomfort obvious in her voice. So, she could dish it out, but not take it.

"Yeah, but I don't know what parts she talked about. She could be saying I'm a horrible fuck and I wouldn't know it."

I purred, letting it reverberate against him. He knew that I loved hearing him curse. I just wished he was putting the words to better use.

_"W-well rest assured, she let us know you're anything but that."_

"Come on, Tali. Between friends. What is Shepard saying about our sex life?"

I had made sure to put emphasis on my retelling of that night, and so was interested as well to see what she would say. I reached up and stroked his clothed sides, remembering his very different reaction when I had tried tickling him one day. I wasn't exactly playing fair, and I saw the strain in his face, the unspoken threats and promises he was biting down.

_"Nothing bad. All positive, I can assure you. As for details, you'd probably be better off hearing them from her. Not from someone starting to feel like a voyeur."_

I couldn't stop a snort from escaping me. She had absolutely no idea and it was fantastic. I felt his plates begin to tense up under my fingers. I pushed my tongue along his underside ridges, hearing him unable to stop a growl that he managed to cover up with a cough.

"But it wouldn't be the same. Come on Tali."

Her line went silent and I almost thought she had lost her nerve.

_"She said you two f-fooled around in the hot tub she has. That you… you pinned her to the floor until she was satisfied."_

Tali surprised both of us with her words, and I suddenly felt myself turned on. Sure, the intent was to fuck with her head, but hearing her actually going along with his commands… His voice really was too potent for his own good.

"I do tend to get a bit aggressive," he said. I could see he was trying his hardest to hold back. My jacket fell from my shoulders, hanging from my arms. I split my index and middle finger, stroking the plates that usually kept him hidden. In the process I coaxed his knot out.

_"Turian mating nature."_

"I'm surprised you knew." There was no mistaking the twitch his hips gave while I trailed my fingers over his knot.

_"I have read stories based on the Float and Flotilla movie. I had some idea of what your species was like."_

He pulled me off him, surprising me. I caught his gaze and froze, my heart stopping. I had gone a little too far with my teasing.

I was in trouble. And I didn't even give a damn. He curled a finger up and I rose as if he had me tied to a string. He may as well have.

"Stories can only tell you so much. I thought you'd want to branch out from quarian flesh while away from the flotilla." He was through playing nice. He toyed with the edge of my shorts. "I mean, you're finally around a mass of other species, and you have plenty of time to secure a few excursions here and there."

_"Quarians are a bit more reserved than turians when it comes to intimacy, Garrus. We need to trust our partners and be willing to be sick for them."_

He trailed his tongue over my neck, making me lean on the console for support as the rough appendage made my knees weak. He dragged it down my skin to the neckline of my tank as he knelt in front of me, pulling the shorts and panties down with him. "We were just raised differently. Sex is a casual topic for my kind."

Which was probably why he could do some of the things he did to me. I gripped the console as he did one of those things with his tongue. I had to bite my finger to remind myself to not make a sound.

_"So I've heard. We can talk about it just fine. I didn't say I couldn't. I just think the details of my friends' personal lives are things I don't need to know about. Or imagine."_

"Ah, but wasn't it you suggesting a three-way with Shepard and I last week?"

I almost broke my silence as his tongue slipped up over my clit and back down to slide inside me. The girl was for sure not shy when drunk, and I had barely remembered that comment myself.

I heard her stammer a few times before she answered. _"Hey, something came up with the engines. I need to look them over. Talk to you in the morning?"_

"Sure thing, Tali." As soon as the transmission disconnected he stood and set me on the console. He pulled me forward. He pushed into me all the way to his knot in one swift stroke, a primal, rumbling growl leaving his sub-vocals. He took me by such surprise I let out a startled moan. "You are—" he pulled back and thrust just as hard again "—the biggest fucking tease—" a grunt accompanied the roll of his hips "—I have ever met."

I'd regret doing this without the oil we had been using for my skin, but at the time, I didn't care. I rested my legs over his hips, locking my ankles around his alien back. I held on to the jutting carapace as he took me hard. "I'm sorry, ah, I'm not a boring girlfriend."

"Spirits… Shepard, the fact you want our friends to hear us is proof enough you're not boring." His fingers trailed up my thighs and gripped my ass. I moaned into the hollow of the carapace.

My head tilted back and he wasted no time in running his tongue over the ridges beneath the skin.

And speaking of ridges…

I felt a small tremor break through me, forcing a whimper from my throat. I couldn't stop my hips from trying to meet his growing pace.

His lustful growl wavered in amusement. "That's it. Don't make me do all the work." He leaned over me, resting his mandibles to my cheek. "Fuck me right back."

A shiver went up my spine at his erotic rumble. My plan may have backfired initially, but this wasn't a bad alternative. Not at all. I gave a hard stroke to meet his thrust. His knot forced through. My back arched away from the console as I gasped. His talons bit into my skin as he groaned.

That groan turned into a breathless laugh and he stopped moving. "Shi—this won't last."

"Mm, make it up to me later? This console isn't the most comfortable thing in the world anyway."

"I can do that." He looked down at our joined hips. "Your skin is getting red."

I followed his gaze. Sure enough, red was peaking over my skin where his scales had been rubbing. "Nothing a bit of medi-gel can't fix up." I felt the edge of panic start to creep up again while my distraction was distracted himself. I pulled one of the horns of his fringe, watching his eyes close. A feral purr tore through his throat. "And if my boyfriend doesn't start moving those sexy ass hips of his, he's not getting sex again for a week."

"I'd hate to disappoint then. Forgive me for trying to catch my breath," he said, though I heard the amusement in his voice.

"Your CO gave an order, soldier."

"Ooh, I love it when you pull rank on me," he purred, rocking his hips gently, forcing a moan out of me. If he were human, it wouldn't be anything at all, but that fucking knot of his… Deep thrusts weren't even necessary. Those ridges of his managed to make up for it once he was so far in. "Give me another order, Commander."

As much as he said I was ordering him around, it was really the other way. I must have stayed silent for too long. He stopped moving entirely again. I growled and showed my teeth, seeing him look faintly surprised. "Stop again and I'll shoot you in the ass." I used my still-locked ankles to push him forward. "Don't stop until you come."

"What about you?"

"Oh don't worry about that." I flicked my gaze down. "You're more than capable of giving me mine through just moving. You know that." The panic started to creep to my heart again, and I only wanted him to move. I couldn't stay still. I couldn't allow my mind to wander.

"I just know its two different orgasms for females if you—"

I surprised both of us by biting the softer skin-like scales of his throat to silence him. Apparently it was all I had to do to get him moving. However, it made his subharmonics more dominant, giving his erotic noises a sense of ferocity. His claws dug in to my ass, lifting me from the console to pull me to his hips with each thrust, a reverberating grunt escaping him each time. I keened into his throat, practically screaming with each push. This time as my chest grew tight, it was with good reason. A tremor passed through me, making my teeth bite harder. If he were human, I would have been terrified of biting right into his jugular.

He must have felt it too as a soft purr mixed in to his rougher sounds echoing in my ear.

I held on to the console for support as the tremor was met with another, coaxed into another by his ridges. My pelvis felt tight and on fire. I gripped the top of the console above my head. I licked my lips and swallowed, feeling how dry my throat had become. I bit my lip, my eyes screwing shut. "Don't stop… Oh fuck, Garrus…"

He chuckled. "I'm close too." His eyes clenched and his jaws locked around a snarl. "Ohh, a little closer than I thought."

He could have said anything and I wouldn't have let him stop. Someone could have walked in to ask him a question and I wouldn't have cared. I almost couldn't breathe. The smell of sex overtook the main battery. My fingers dug so hard into the console I was surprised I didn't break the bones. Or the machine. "G-Garrus!"

"Mm, scream my name, baby."

I shivered at his low purr of a tone. I didn't care if it made me a xenophiliac. He could ruin any girl with that sexy rumble. "Mmnf, Garrus, oh sh—" I bit my lip as I felt my peak almost hit me. The false alarm didn't prepare me for the real thing, taking me by surprise. All thought left me as I desperately fought his hold against his thrusts. I trusted his grip to enough reach up, taking his face in my hands and forcing his lips to mine. He couldn't kiss, not with those avian lips, but he still pressed back, absorbing what he could of my cries as he kept the waves coming, one after another.

"Lift your shirt for me," he muttered against my lips, his pace starting to falter. I did as asked, refusing to part from his hypnotic tongue. He gave a reverberating snarl and I was left to catch my breath while he slipped out of me with an inaudible pop. "Put those hands to good use."

I reached between us as he thrust into my slicked grip. "Mm, like that?" I murmured.

"Spirits, yes…" His claws dragged valleys over my skin as he came over my hands and on my gut. He gave a few slowing thrusts, his breathing heavy. His subharmonics mixed with the breaths, sending tingles down my spine. He pressed his forehead to mine. "Do you have any idea what you did?"

I frowned and glanced up at his icy gaze. "What do you mean?"

"By turian standards, you challenged me." His eyes shifted away. "You also put me in my place, so to say."

My mouth went dry again. "How?"

He laughed. "This is how I know you act more turian than human." He set my legs down and fetched a towel by his cot I assumed he used recently.

"I didn't… Garrus, did I do something horrible?"

He paused in cleaning off. "No, quite the opposite."

I caught the towel as he threw it to me. "What the hell did I do then? Don't give me a fucking heart attack. You said your females don't bite back."

He put both hands on the console, pinning me down with both the grip and his eyes. "To claim a partner, no. To put that partner in his place, or to show her frustrations, yes. You showed your pathetic human teeth and threatened me for defying you. And by biting my throat, you were asserting dominance." I could see his smirk hidden by the flicking mandibles. "But don't worry, your bark is for sure worse than your bite, if I've used that human expression correctly."

I smirked. "Hell, Vakarian, if you really liked being put in your place, I should do it more often."

He chuckled and traded the towel for my panties and shorts. "We can take turns, if you wish."

"Meet me upstairs and maybe we can let you have a bit more fun. I suppose I could let your leash a little looser."

He growled. "Oh, I'm on a leash, am I?"

"As am I to you." It was true. I wasn't above letting him have all the say. And fuck, did he have some things to say. I had a ruined button down shirt upstairs to prove how much it worked.

He went quiet, studying me for a second. "I suppose that will suffice. Ask me to 'lick your boot' and I'll pin you down and kindly save you the trouble of going to fuck yourself."

I laughed at his rebuttal. "I'm not into that sort of shit anyway. What human porn did you look up?"

"Some of them you just don't want to know. Your species is… strange with its never-ending list of sexual interests. I mean, the Germans—"

I held up a hand to shut him up. "Stop right there with the stereotypical German porn, I know what it is. Don't remind me." I watched him fix his pants finally. "Ugh, you went to the dark side of the extranet, didn't you?"

"Not my proudest moment of being a man with questions. I managed to avoid watching anything too scarring from the descriptions, but a few… odd ones slipped in to my searches."

"I don't even want to know." He held on to my hips, putting his forehead to mine again.

A rumble of confusion from him made me look up, seeing him frowning at a prescription bottle.

My bottle.

"What's this for?"

I bit my lip. "I… I haven't been sleeping very well." I didn't want to worry him. He didn't need to know the details. Luckily he let me explain. I nodded to the bottle. "Dr. Chakwas gave me some pills to help me get to sleep. I'll be dead in the field if I don't sleep."

"You know I've got your six."

"Yes, but what about all eleven other directions?" I pressed at his shoulders and escaped his hold. I took the bottle from him. "If this helps, well… it's just for now."

"Sleep aids can be addicting, Shepard."

"And death can be tomorrow," I retorted. I saw a calm pass over his eyes. I took a breath. "I'm sorry. I just… I need a little help right now." Usually it would kill me to admit it but, he was right. He did have my six. Not just in combat. I needed him.

He nodded to the door. "I'll meet you in your cabin. Take the pill before I get there."

"But-"

"No buts. I can cash in my plans for you tomorrow night. They're better suited for your apartment than in here anyway. Besides, I was eyeing that piano the last time we spent the night there…"

"The kitchen counters weren't enough?"

"Not even close." He pressed his lips to my forehead. "I'll be up in a moment. You won't be alone."


	3. Chapter 3

I had been so used to laying with him for the past few weeks as we drifted off. He didn't even need to touch me. Just being there was enough to put me at ease. One thing we had learned quickly: I was a blanket hog, and proud of it. Another was that we both had trouble getting out of bed on time when we had thought we could sneak in a bit of fooling around.

Which was why when I hesitantly took my jacket off in my room, I stared at the tousled, empty sheets. I felt the pinpricks again. Each breath burned my heart. To make it worse, I could have sworn I heard… I heard a giggle.

I shook my head. No. I was overtired. My subconscious mind was acting up. I was better than this. I wasn't allowed to be afraid. I wasn't allowed to feel pain. The fate of the entire galaxy rested on my choices. After meeting the others, I had started acting a little less ruthless to everyone. I tried to do more nice things.

These people didn't deserve to die. And it all rested with what I chose to do. With how many troops I could gather to aid our cause…

My mind raced. I took the bottle and, with slightly shaking hands, let one tablet drop to my palm. I knocked it back and took a drink from the bathroom sink. I stared at my reflection. I glared. She glared right back. The cybernetics only showed what I knew all along. I wore them proud. A badge of honor, showing I was a woman, a human, who took shit from no one.

So why the hell was I taking shit from myself? Why the hell was I letting the dead haunt me when there was nothing I could have… I ground my teeth in frustration, clenching my hand into a fist.

I felt like someone smacked me in the back of the head, and brought with it heavy eyelids. I took it as a sign the pill worked. I turned off the electronics and lights, using the glow of the fish tank like usual. The sheets felt more inviting than normal as I slid under them. My whole head started to feel foggy. "I need to lay down… Wait. I'm in… Fuck it." I didn't care how stupid the drug made me. It worked. It was all that mattered. The moment I hit the pillow, my door opened and closed almost just as fast. My eyes were too heavy to open, but I knew who it was anyway. I heard fabric being shifted, boots being unstrapped, a belt coming unbuckled. His usual patterns of undress. To my surprise, though it really shouldn't have been given his… anatomy, turians didn't believe in much when it came to wearing anything to bed. I didn't mind it. It was easier to have quick morning sex without all his buckles and straps.

His weight dipped the mattress to him as he slipped in behind me. "Shepard?" he whispered. Though with his voice, it was more like a gentle hum.

"Mm?"

"I take it the pill worked?"

"Almost asleep." I rolled over and let him entwine our legs around his spurs. He was starting to feel like a dream. "Thought you wouldn't make it."

He chuckled. "Unlike some people, I keep my promises."

"Cheap shot, Vakarian," I said mainly into my pillow. He seemed to have heard it by his laugh.

"I know, you've kept a few of your own." I felt him take my hands into his, but I still couldn't open my eyes to look at him. He gratefully kept silent after that. All he did was lightly stroke my fingers with his. Each light pass made me slip farther and farther. I heard one last giggle.

And then, nothing.

* * *

_"Commander, we have arrived at the Citadel."_

I jerked awake at EDI's call through a speaker near my clock. My head felt foggy as I opened my eyes to tired slits, staring at the clock. It slowly came into view. 6:00 AM. I hated AIs sometimes. "Thanks EDI," I croaked. I slowly became aware that I was alone in my room once again.

_"Should I map a route for you to drop off your assignments in a timely manner so you may enjoy the day with the rest of your squad?"_

I rolled to my back and rubbed my eyes, inhaling deep to get my muscles moving. "That'd be great, EDI, thank you."

_"Commander, if it is not too much trouble, would you be willing to meet in the commons? I would like to speak with you again."_

And, knowing her, if I didn't, Joker would end up with his whole body broken while EDI only meant to be sexy for him. How that relationship worked, I didn't know nor cared. Actually, I didn't see Joker hooking up with anything BUT a machine. Though EDI had become more than just the AI. It wasn't the body she had taken over to make herself physical, but it was all the little things she did for us, even as a voice. I gave a quiet laugh, remembering Traynor's reaction to EDI once she had realized she was AI and not VI. Priceless. "Yeah, I can do that. I'll ping you when the last assignment is dropped off."

_"Very well, Commander. I look forward to our meeting. Officer Vakarian is also arriving in the elevator."_

"Thank you EDI, I can take it from here." I reluctantly got out of bed and trudged to the bathroom. He came in just as I came back out. I stopped my pace dead as I saw two bowls in his hands. "What's this?"

"Well it was going to be breakfast in bed, but it seems I wasn't fast enough to wake you myself." He handed me one and kept another for himself.

I sat at my terminal and switched it back on. I pulled my legs up and cradled the bowl of oatmeal. "EDI beat you to it by a good five minutes."

"And here I thought being gone for twenty minutes wouldn't make a difference."

I gestured to the terminal with the spoon as he sat on the corner of my desk. "Have you seen these messages? Handing in missions and favors is going to be cake compared to this."

"Blow a few off."

"I haven't even had a chance to look through them all to decide if I want to do that."

_Lola,_

_"I heard we're getting a day of leave. Want to join us for some cards? Ken in engineering said you actually had a great poker face. Probably shouldn't have doubted that. You know where I'll be if you want to join in. Scars can play a few hands too. Pass that on to him. I know he's there with you."_

_-James_

I snorted. "James says hello," I interpreted. "He's inviting us to play cards on the cargo deck."

"Does he ever do anything else?"

"Besides be a shameless flirt? No, I don't think he does." I shrugged. "Though it would be interesting to win a bit of cash from him."

He arched a brow. "Wasn't it enough you beat him in hand-to-hand and bloodied his nose?"

I pressed my lips together. I had gone a bit far on him. His attitude just made me want to punch him in the face and he had presented the opportune moment to knock some sense back into him. "Don't judge me, monkey."

"What?"

I shook my head. "It's from a very old Earth vid I'll have to dig up about stoners and vid games."

"Stoners. Those were the days where humans were only getting in trouble for having that at the Citadel, and even that became harmless."

I gestured to him with the spoon, swallowing my current bite. "Exactly. I had to quit when I joined the military because it was 'frowned upon'." I pressed my mouth closed, realizing I probably said too much. "Aaaand you think I'm a drug addict now, don't you?"

He grinned around his food. "Shepard, when I said I was a turian bad boy, I didn't mean just my kill count and reputation. I've dabbled in the lighter drugs as well. I haven't met a soul who hasn't."

I relaxed again and gave a longing groan. "I've only had a few sneaks here and there for years. I was usually never on leave long enough to enjoy a good night."

We went quiet for a moment and I looked at the next message.

_Shepard,_

_I'd like to discuss something I've found… I would just like to discuss a personal matter with you alone. I'll be in my usual place. Find me when you have completed your assignments._

_-Liara_

I frowned. What would Liara want to discuss personally with me?

"You know…"

I almost jumped at the flanging mutter. "I know what?"

"I do still have contacts on the Citadel… I mean, certain things _do_ work better to help you relax than synthesized medication." He finally caught my eye and he shrugged. "What you said last night was right. We could be dead tomorrow. Why not have a bit of fun while we can?"

_Was wondering if you wanted to go another round in chess tonight. I mean, you probably have much better things, or just a single thing, to do. Just throwing it out there!_

_-Sam_

Delete. I eyed the man next to me, still waiting for my response. I did in fact have much better plans for tonight. "This is all true. And our next destination will take at least two days travel through the cluster to avoid Reaper detection. So, if you're willing, then yeah."

"Seems I have a bit of a date to plan." He reached for my empty bowl to stack on top of his. "Try to be dressed nicely by eight tonight. Tell everyone who hasn't seen you by then to go screw off."

I arched a brow. "And if they protest?"

"Tell them Archangel is a good shot from any distance. And I can make it look like an accident."

"Mm, you'll have to show me how good of a shot you are."

"Oh, haven't I shown you?"

"You'll need to refresh my memory." I stood and took the bowls from his hands, putting them on the desk. I nudged him back into the chair and he took the hint to sit while I slipped onto his lap, glad he was still void of armor.

"I just might have to."

_"Commander, it is now 6:30 AM. The route for your assignments has been uploaded to your omni-tool."_

I growled. "Thank you, EDI. Go start your leave with Joker, please."

_"As you wish, Commander."_

I let out a huff of frustration while he chuckled and pressed his flat nose to mine. "We'll have no interruptions tonight," he said, making me grin. "No one to hear us but the neighbors." He pressed on the small of my back, forcing me against his softer underbelly. A short gasp of surprise left me and he met my grin. "And I'll make sure they'll be able to hear."

"Don't be horrible. They're probably old and would have a heart attack if they heard interspecies sex going on."

"We almost gave Kaidan a heart attack and he's not old."

"He caught us, quite literally, with our pants down. Of course he's going to almost have one." I took his hands from my back and got up. "I have a few more messages to go through before I head out."

He nodded and got up to let me have my seat back. "I'll ping you where to meet me. Don't eat too much today."

"What sort of mood am I going for here? Hungry, starving, famished? I need to know how much I'm allowed to shove in my face today."

He shook his head with a smile. "Just bring an appetite. I think I've got an idea for tonight, just us."

"Sounds like a plan." I kissed him as he leaned over for me. "Now get out of here so I can get naked again."

"Ooh, can I watch?"

I kicked him out.


	4. Chapter 4

I continued picking through my messages while I roamed the halls of the Citadel, dropping off my assignments.

_Hey bitch, I heard you were taking off for the day. If you can pry yourself off your boyfriend's cock for an hour, come hang out in Purgatory!_

_-Jack_

She certainly had a way with words. I told her I'd meet her next time and buy.

_I've sent a package to your apartment. Hope you get it in time. Enjoy._

_-Kasumi_

I frowned as I dropped my last assignment off. What the hell was she up to now? I shrugged it off and called EDI, starting my very long day of being nice to my crew. By seven I was scooping up my winnings against Vega and his crew and stuffing it in my pockets. "Sorry boys, but I have a date."

One of the gamblers wolf whistled. "That damned lucky turian. Then again, I don't think anything but one of them could handle your fire, if I may be so bold, Commander."

I smirked. "You may. Now, I'll let you get back to slaughtering each other." I held on to Vega's shoulders firmly and shook them. "Win back what you lost to me, will you? Don't give the Normandy a bad name."

He chuckled. "Will do, ma'am. Enjoy your date with Scars."

The trip back to the apartment seemed to take longer than usual. I stepped through the front door, feeling the stillness of the place after I grabbed the package from Kasumi. Once I turned the main stereo on, the stillness vanished. This was finally my place, my area. And it wasn't an over-glorified, depressing broom closet. I admired my room as I went upstairs. I leaned against the doorframe, a flash of a memory making my grin impulsive. It wasn't hard to imagine this a lived-in place. And, after clearing it with Anderson, the rent wasn't as ridiculous as it could have been given the view.

I frowned at the box, looking it over. Seemed like a normal sealed package. It did somewhat rattle in my grip, making me all the more curious to the muffled sound. I finally looked to the label again and saw _"Open alone"_ added as a subtext. I pulled out a knife and cut the box open.

I burst out laughing. "Fucking hell, Kas…" I couldn't believe what she had done. I found a note on top of the contents and could barely restrain my laughs as I read it.

_I know you've probably got a good thing going on right now, Shep, but I think this will make it better. I managed to come across a ship with items far too tempting to pass up while it was docked. Well, imagine my surprise when I found this was the cargo! Don't worry, you're not the only one getting a gift from me. I'm sure Liara is having a panic attack and Jack the time of her life. Catch you around the Citadel._

_-Kasumi_

_P.S. I think your civilian boots would look very good with what I sent you. ;)_

I put my head in my hand, still grinning wildly. I managed to toss the note aside and grab a portion of the garment on top. I held up a surprisingly attractive leather corset with five buckles over the front… and continued laughing as I pulled out the rest of the "clothes" that my boots were supposed to go with, all the while cursing and loving Kasumi for her sassy ways. I laid aside a form fitting skirt that would most likely barely cover my ass and a button up shirt that would probably come to my sternum. To add the finishing touch, she had thrown in fishnet thigh highs. I put my head in my hand, spreading the fingers to really make sure it was there.

Sure enough, the black garments were still very much real. And there was still something in the box. I held up the garment, but had no time to look at it. As it unfurled, something dark purple and small collided with my floor. I didn't have to look twice to know what I was looking at.

I was going to die from lack of oxygen. I knew it.

I picked up the small vibrator, looking it over. I wasn't a prude. I owned a few as it was, and they were hidden away securely on the Normandy where even the boyfriend couldn't find them. I hadn't had to use them that often with him around. I mean, when we weren't in battle, I could always find him around the ship if I couldn't wait until that night. He'd seek me out just as much.

I turned on my omni-tool and looked up Kasumi. " _Just you wait until you hook up. I'm going to get you back."_

I picked up the garment the vibe had been wrapped in, and wanted to take back the message I had sent. It was a form fitting black dress, long sleeved, low cut, and just about at my knees. "Kas…" My 'tool pinged and I looked at the message.

_"You know you'll use it. All of it."_

I rolled my eyes and got up from the bed to stand next to it, looking at the two garments. I frowned as another piece of black caught my eye. "Did you rob the whole store, Kas?" I muttered, taking the last bit out. It was tame, considering. I supposed a set to hide under the dress. I looked at the corset ensemble and shook my head. It was his turn to give orders. I didn't want to put on something that looked like I was about to kick his ass. Not then, anyway. I frowned, wondering just what he had planned.

Dinner, yes, I gathered that much, but what about after? I found my mind wandering as I put the ass-kicker outfit away, though this time, to a good place.

I bit my lip and glanced at the purple thing sitting innocently on my bed. My mind started to play dirty. I shook my head as the ideas progressively became more vivid. Pressed full flush against the wall, bent over the kitchen counter, pinned to the bar…

I swallowed and grabbed the vibe. "Fuck it." I stripped off my civvies, tossing them into a corner for tomorrow morning. The vibe was a simple enough device. Four settings, easy enough to figure out. I set it to the lowest, testing out the strength. Trust Kasumi to have an eye for things. I put it to my clit and immediately I let out a soft moan and a breathless chuckle. A _very_ good eye.

I let my mind set on one of the ideas it had been sifting through. The piano ended up winning. I kept the vibe in place as _he rubbed his finger all around me, teasing me, driving me insane. He'd come back and focus on it for a moment, raising the tension in my body. The moment I let out a sound of any sort he stopped._

_"What do you want me to do?"_

_"F-fuck me, please."_

_He slipped a thick finger into me, using the other to brush against my clit. "I don't think you deserve it yet. You've been such a bad girl."_

_I felt pressure on my wrists and noticed them pinned above my head on the smooth surface. "And what happens to bad girls?"_

_He stopped everything. Instead, he leaned over me and kept his eyes serious. "Bad girls do not get to come."_

_He stroked my clit again, setting me on fire. "You can't be—" A ripple started to leave me right as he stopped, cutting it short. I hadn't known that sort of painful pleasure existed. I tried to press my legs together, but his own stopped me._

_"I didn't say you could come yet."_

_He stayed perfectly still while I calmed down, small whimpers leaving my throat against the receding pleasure. All at once he started again, reigniting the flame right away. My chest jutted towards his as my body tried moving in any way it could. "Please, oh God, please. I can't—" He stopped. It felt like I was dying. Again. "Garrus, please…"_

_"Come for me, Shepard." He brought me to my peek when_ my omni-tool pinged and I jumped as if I had been physically caught. I tried catching my breath, noticing my throat was dry. I turned the vibe off and fell back into the pillows with a frustrated groan. I put a hand to my forehead, combing through my loose bangs.

Oh yeah. Kasumi was getting a thank you e-mail for sure. I opened the message. _"Meet me at Zakera ward, the twenty-second level. The only place on the level that serves food. Should be easy enough for you to find."_

I checked the time and shot to my feet. I hadn't realized it was ten to eight already. I threw my clothes on and struggled to finish getting ready.

I didn't realize until much later what I hadn't exactly hidden.


	5. Chapter 5

We looked out over the gardens of the Zakera ward, illuminated by the nebula we were docked in. I hadn’t really slowed down to appreciate the different areas of the Citadel. Any time we were here, it was usually to drop off a mission, restock and refuel, and then leave. At least it was for me. My subordinates took advantage of every time we docked to get out of the ship. Most of them, anyway.

“She’s still upset that Javik isn’t what she expected.”

He snorted, leaning on the guardrail in front of us as I told him what Liara had wanted to discuss. “Everyone is different. The galaxy is full of assholes. Doesn’t matter what species. Even salarians have their share.”

I held on to the bar, leaning back a bit with its support. “She’s put his whole species on a pedestal for fifty years. I can see why she’s upset. Here’s this glorious race of Protheans eons ago, which left us hauntingly beautiful ruins and other indicators of their culture. We finally find a pod containing the last one of that race and… out pops Javik, the Master of Douchebaggery.”

“And Airlock Tossing.”

“Yes, and airlock tossing.”

He shrugged, still staring at the fountains in front of us. “I guess I can understand that point. I don’t think anyone was expecting Javik to be like he is.”

“What about you?”

“I reserved my judgment for when he wasn’t trying to kill us in his state of shock.” He snorted.

“What’s funny about this?”

“They should just hook up and be done with it.” I stared at him and he looked at me due to my silence. “What? Everyone is thinking it. Have you not noticed the tension between them?”

In fact I hadn’t. I really was a little out of it if I missed something like that and Garrus had picked up on it instead. “I’m bad at this friend thing, aren’t I?”

“Just a little out of practice, I think.” He put his arm around my shoulder and I gripped his waist lightly. “I’ll talk to Javik if you want to talk to Liara. I think the whole ship would benefit if they had sex.”

I scoffed and leaned into his embrace. “You know what? Deal. You get the raging Prothean, I’ll take the quiet and angry archaeologist.”

“You make it sound like I have a problem dealing with raging people. I deal with you on a daily basis. I think I’m alright.”

I punched him in the side and shoved him away as he started laughing. “Yeah, laugh it up. You can go sleep on the ship with your guns for all I care.” I started to walk away.

“Oh you know I only half meant it.” He took a few long strides and stood in front of me, holding on to my arms. “I mean, look at you. A paragon wouldn’t have the scars you do.”

I sighed. “Point taken. I think I have a reason to be pissed off though.”

“So does Liara. You said it yourself. She put his race on a pedestal for over fifty years. And then she finally meets one, and he’s such a disappointment to her theories and research since he’s a killer, not a scientist.”

I saw his point. I looked at him through my lashes, an amused smirk breaking through. “I’ll talk to her tomorrow then.” He started leading me off the balcony we were on, though I didn’t really care where we were going. “Jeez, imagine what would happen if Liara did her asari stuff with Javik.”

“It would turn out to be a very interesting asari, I can say that much.” He took us down a flight of stairs, to the edge of the artificial lake. “Her brains and his killing instinct? She’d be more deadly than an ardat-yakshi.”

I cocked a brow at him. “What are we even doing down here?”

“Being somewhere we’re not supposed to,” he answered with a wink. He bent down and scooped up a few loose rocks that had been placed as decoration from the gardeners.

“I think they hand-pick every single one of those rocks.”

“Is that right?” He took one in his dominant hand and rolled the wrist a few times. He took a familiar stance and tossed the rock towards the lake. It skimmed the surface four times. “I doubt they’ll notice a few missing.”

I smirked. “You know, if that turian groundskeeper finds out, he’ll be more than a bit miffed.”

“As if I care.” He put one in my hand and curled my fingers over it. “Think you can beat four?”

“You know it.” Or not. I was severely out of practice. When you live on the streets of a city, there aren’t many opportunities to slow down and skim rocks over the surface of water. A lot of times, especially with the crew I was running with, if you stopped to do something like this, you were beaten for wasting time that could have been getting us food and money. I took the stance he took and tossed the rock. It sunk immediately, as did my shoulders.

He gave a chuckle similar to when I had intentionally missed my shot with the rifle. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone you don’t know how to properly skip a rock. It isn’t something a lot of people know how to do anymore.” He motioned up, to the other arms visible of the Citadel. “Not while they live here or in mainland cities.” He rolled his wrist again. “Besides, with this war, I doubt anyone’s top priority is taking a step back to breathe.”

I shook my head as he tossed the next one, this one reaching six skips. I suddenly lost all interest in rocks, in the Citadel, in the whole war. I took his hand in mine, feeling his three fingers conform to mine more easily than we had first thought. “I think I’m done with this place. What about you?”

“Was waiting for you. This is more your shore leave than mine. I don’t care about getting off the ship that much.”

I huffed in amusement. “That’s for sure. I think I saw you out and about once while we were here gathering missions, and that was when you were navigating wounded turians in the holding area.” I heard the rocks fall back to the ground before he took my other hand and rested his forehead to mine. “You really need to pry yourself away from those calibrations of yours.”

I felt his breath of a laugh against my lips. “I know. But I need something to distract myself while you’re away. The war is taking a toll on more than just you, you know.”

I still didn’t meet his gaze. I only gripped his fingers a bit harder. “I know. Still nothing from your family?” I looked up in time to see his gaze grow pained. I had my answer. I reached up and touched the unscarred side of his face while his now free hand fell to my hip. “If they’re anything like you, Vakarian, they’re alive somewhere. Communications are down for a lot of people. If you want, we can go to Palavan and—“

“No. Shepard, we have a mission. Don’t waste resources for me.”

“But—“

“Don’t, Shepard.” His grip on my hip increased for a moment. “If we waste more time, if we focus on my selfish needs to find my family who may or may not be dead, everyone will die anyway.” He took a steadying breath. “Duty comes before anything else for a turian. I will find my father and sister after this war.”

I understood. I lightly stroked along his mandible, feeling it twitch minutely under my touch. “I thought you were a horrible turian though.”

He hummed in response through his sub-harmonics. “I am. I fell in love with a human, remember?”

I tilted my chin and kissed him gently, feeling his pressure of a response.

He chuckled against my lips, making me pull back and look at him curiously. “My father is going to have a field day with this relationship.”

“What happens if he doesn’t approve?”

“I tell him to fuck off and mind his own business. I am where I belong.”

I shrugged. “If all else fails, we’ll make a new clan. Clan Normandy. We’ll design new tattoos and make everyone on board get them.”

He showed his teeth in a grin. “That sounds like a good plan to me.” He tilted his head in the direction of the transit station. “I did manage to get in touch with my contacts, if you’re still interested.”

I groaned in longing. “A chance to have nothing at all bother us? Yes, please and thank you.”

He used our still joined hands and led me back to the main path. “I was also told it makes sex better. I never had a chance to test that theory.”

“Sometimes. Play your cards right tonight and you might get to find out firsthand, Vakarian.”

“I’ll hold you to that… And to other more solid things.”

I nudged his hip with mine. “You call the shots tonight.” I shivered at his flanging, feral-sounding purr.

“Then I think it’s time we went home, don’t you?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When the song switches to the heavier EDM, it is to Jeffree Star's "Leg's Up". Put that song on right when it's mentioned, and have Ambiance by Astral Projection after that. Trust me. It makes this more fun. ;)

I had forgotten just how relaxing the experience was. Everything beyond my apartment didn’t exist. There was no war. The Reapers never came into our cycle. I had all I needed right there with me on the newer black sectional I had found. I had to laugh and press my cheek to his lap, hiding my face with my arm as I curled into a ball.

His chuckle reverberated through his scales. His bare hand rested on my shoulder, still mostly covered by the slope of the dress. “Laughing at nothing, Shepard?”

“I’m laughing at you,” I said into his shirt, gripping the fabric as I noticed he had a unique scent I had never picked up on before. Leather, and metal. The elements that made up his flesh…

“What could I have possibly done from here? You have me trapped this way.”

I had decided to use him to relax on once the effects kicked in and I sank into the EDM flowing from the sound system. He had been using the other portion of the sectional to lay out on, so it wasn’t as if he could have been uncomfortable. The leg pressed against the back of the couch was propped up, giving me a comfortable hollow to lay in. “This whole thing is crazy.”

I felt him tense a bit. “Shepard?”

I immediately caught his fear. “Oh, no no, I mean how it started.” I tried to restrain a laugh but failed horribly, letting out a personally unattractive snort in the process as he relaxed beneath my touch.

“Don’t do that again. You’ll give me a heart attack. I’m not in the right mood to hear that.”

I bit my lip, keeping my gaze on his thin waist in front of me. “It was completely random. You could have been anywhere else in the Citadel, and I would have never known you had intel on Saren if you hadn’t overheard I was looking for him. Not until it was too late, I think.” I grinned a bit. “To be honest, I hadn’t seen the appeal of your species until I saw you.”

“Is that right? What made you consider me a potential partner?”

“Same thing I look for in a human man. Eyes. Then chest.”

He gave a soft rumble of a laugh. “Always so shallow, Shepard?”

“Eyes are actually the first thing a human woman looks for in a man.”

“Kaidan’s didn’t do it for you?”

I lightly punched his side. “I wasn’t looking for sex. I had a mission to complete at any cost. Your friendship… everyone’s… that was a fluke.” I glanced up at him, meeting the exact same hue that caught my interest in the first place. “And I didn’t hit on Kaidan. I kept my dialogue completely neutral. He picked it up as something more. Hell, I think I only let a flirt slip a few times with you; completely unintentional at the time, no offense. It was duty first then.”

His mandibles twitched in amusement. “More turian than human. And none taken. I was too dense and absorbed in my calibrations to even notice.”

I gave an amused huff and tore my gaze from his eyes, clenching mine closed as I suppressed my giggles.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I see you making modifications to your guns an awful lot for a human.”

“Fine, you have me there.” I kept my gaze on his clothed torso again. His hand started to run down the tight sleeve of my dress. “Then when I came back to life, you turned out to be the first of the old crew I find willing to follow me into Hell.”

“Did you ever doubt me?”

His hand rested on my hip. “I could never doubt my archangel.” I found my mind begging him to run his fingers one after the other over my thigh to pull up my dress. I bit back the fantasy and swallowed it. It didn’t help the stereo switched to a heavier sort of EDM. I glanced up again and saw he had had the same subtle change of mood. I quickly picked up on the changes his expression would do when he would be in the mood, or pick up on my own aroused scent.

That god damned music was _not_ helping. He growled with his sub-harmonics, and my throat went dry as he started making my fantasy happen. “I knew something was starting to show behind your eyes after we killed the psychotic doctor. You came to see me so often.” I bit my lip as gooseflesh erupted on my upper thigh under his claws. “I caught the scent of arousal a few times as well. From frustration, no doubt.”

I flushed a bit as I remembered the days on the first _Normandy_ , where I had no real privacy. At the end of the day, any way to relax would have been welcomed, but it was impossible to find the time between missions and sleeping off the exhaustion. The current _Normandy_ was better. I had been able to hide my small collection of… relationship aids. Until, of course, I had convinced my turian to come to bed with me before the horrors of the Relay. We only had the chance to repeat it once before he had to leave and I was relieved of duty and unable to have visits from anyone.

Again, it could have been anyone helping us get the primarch to safety. Again, it had been him to come to my aid. If you love something, set it free, I think that was the old saying. He always managed to come back into my life with full support on my decisions. I arched into him as the soft skin-like scales of his palms ran over my ass, dipping down to my clothed heat. “I think it’s time we go upstairs.”

I nodded, my head light and foggy. I got up and fixed the dress, not hearing any sign of protest from him. “I have to show you what else Kasumi sent me.”

“Something else besides what I’m losing patience to see under that dress?”

“Mhm, something I’ll leave to your imagination on how it will really look.” I quickened my pace up the stairs, walking on the balls of my bare feet. I strolled right into my closet where I had stored the box and took out the skirt and the shirt, keeping my back to him as he came into the room, stopping in front of the bed. I’d leave the corset a nice little surprise. I wasn’t sure how he’d react to it anyway with those clumsy claws of his. I held the two pieces of clothes up and turned to face him. “So what do you think?”

“I think you have a bit of explaining to do.”

My heart stopped as I saw something dark purple in his grasp. My mind instantly fabricated a story under his intense gaze. “O-oh that was-was a joke. Yeah.” I gave a nervous chuckle and hid the clothes behind my back, suddenly more shy than I had ever been in my life. No one had been able to make me be so horrified and turned on at the same time. My breath caught in my throat as I saw his eyes glint with mischief. Holding my used vibrator. Wearing a look that said “I know you’re lying”.

“Then why is it I smell you on it?” I heard the playful amusement in his sub-harmonics. “I mean, if it was just a gift, I have to wonder about these things. How would your scent be all over this if it was only a jest?”

I tossed the clothes back into the closet with a flick of my wrists. “I… may have been a bit curious on a few things with it.” I narrowed my eyes but smirked, my high slowly taking over once again. “Wait a second. You know what this thing is?”

“Shepard, you keep thinking I haven’t worked around humans before. Or seen vids. I know what these things do.” He glanced at the device, and I somehow felt my nerves trickling away. “From what I understand, it brings more pleasure than a partner could in certain ways. With vibrations most men are incapable of.”

“Some men are intimidated by those things.”

“I don’t see why. It saves energy on our part to go longer.” I saw his eyes shift again as he curled his finger towards him. “Now, if I remember correctly, we’re here for something else to encourage relaxation.”

I felt a wave of the drug wash over my mind and I grinned. The music faintly followed us up in the room, continuing the heavy EDM stream. “Think you have what it takes to give your CO orders, Vakarian?”

I wasn’t expecting his response in the slightest. He gave a sharp, reverberating hiss that took the humor from my flesh. “I think I can.” I was thrown off by how… quiet the humanoid tone had grown, and how loud the reptilian hiss had taken over.

He pulled me into a deep kiss, rolling his tongue with my shorter one. He gripped my hips and forced me closer, giving a sharp growl as he tugged and our bodies met. He ran his fingers up my thighs, under the dress just enough to hook his claws around the sides of my panties. As we rolled against each other, he pulled the garments down until I was able to shift out of them.

I faintly heard something hit the bed. Instantly he used his grip to lift me to his hips. I locked my ankles around him, feeling him still restrained in his pants. He pushed me hard into the wall next to my door, rocking his hips against me, pressing against my clit with his slightly rough clothes.

All the while he was relentless on my lips, pressing back in any way he could, and in all the right ways he had found worked for us. My body crested against him as he ran his tongue down my skin, resting against my neck. His mandibles raked against my skin, leaving faint welts in their tracks. I wanted him. Even I was able to smell it in the air. That only turned me on more, realizing how potent it was to him. Fuck it. He could have control next time.

However, it seemed he was not in the mood for what I had tried to plan. He gave a mildly threatening growl and took us away from the wall, depositing me on the bed, still between my legs so I couldn’t close them. He took both my wrists in one hand and held them over my head as he reached for something out of sight. I didn’t have a chance to wonder what it was as the familiar buzzing from before erupted over my clit, immediately forcing my hips to roll away from him. “Oooh, that is so not fair,” I said, giving a mix of a growl and a laugh.

“Mmn, I could make you dance for me like you did last week with this thing.”

I arched my brows suggestively with a sly smirk. “Y-you don’t need that thing if you want a lap dance, Baby,” I purred, trying to throw him off from his role. I had the drug to thank for my looser tongue. I bucked my hips again, feeling a lump in his pants. I hissed against the contact, and he growled. I assumed his sub-harmonics had taken over his speech for now. Every noise he made was primarily… reptilian in nature.

A purr rolled from his throat. “Not my intentions. Keep your hands here or I’ll stop everything. Do you understand?” I flinched and moaned against a wave caused by the toy, unable to answer. He increased the vibrations, making me hiss. “Since you used this, you must have some experience with them,” he purred into my neck, running his now-free hand up my side, dragging the dress up to my ribs. He hovered over the flesh, his breath tickling my skin. “Don’t lie either. I can smell it every time I go into your cabin at night and you had a little time to yourself.”

I was caught. “Guilty as charged.” I had a hard time keeping my arms over my head as a flash of my nerves shot from my sex. My back lifted from the bed, arching into his exploring tongue. It came again and I knew I was in trouble. Every nerve ending was focused on my sex, the vibrations sending me higher than I already was. He pulled the toy away and set it down so he could run both hands over my hips. I whined in desperation as he ignored me. “You evil son of a bitch.” I flinched as I felt his sharp teeth over my fragile skin.

I thought my body could use a few more scars. The one on my throat had healed on its own, leaving faint white marks that the cybernetics couldn’t heal completely. He reached up and undid the fastenings to his shirt while his hands were free. He tossed the cloth aside, leaning over my frame again while he held himself up with one arm. The other held the vibe to my clit again, the resulting wave went all the way to my head, tilting it back as a moan escaped me. “Touch me, Shepard.”

I felt the blood returning to my arms as I brought them between us, running my fingers over the plates covering his chest, following the shape of them. I let my fingers meet on either side of the ridge between those chest plates, running them up to the bare flesh of his thick throat. Another firmer shock hit me. My nails dug between the smaller scales of his neck. I heard his fingers near my head dig in to the sheets. My head was so light. I couldn’t breathe. It was like I was being slowly constricted. Each breath I let out turned into a shorter and shorter whimper.

I felt myself start to break. I gripped on to his neck and his carapace, pressing myself to him as close as I could as my sex was set ablaze. All he had to do was make one slight adjustment and I snapped. His free arm slid under my back, reducing space for me to arch out of his grasp as he leaned over me, pressing his lips to my neck. I couldn’t handle it. “G-Garrus, stop. Oh fuck I can’t—“

“You’re going to.” There was no arguing in his tone. He gave a rumble of a laugh. “Isn’t that the point of these things? To go beyond what you can handle?”

He had me there. My body trembled a bit from an aftershock. Kasumi was getting roses in the morning.

“And it’s not like I’ll tell anyone what the ruthless Commander Shepard looks like when she comes for me, her subordinate.”

I bit my lip against another wave. “Stop being so good at dirty talk,” I said between my teeth.

“Still don’t think I can take control? I am a turian leader, you know.” He growled as my fingers dug into his neck. I couldn’t take another one.

I gripped whatever part of him I could as I breathed heavily against his scars, pressing my lips to the remodeled flesh. My mind went white and I gasped into his skin. My thighs gripped his waist hard. I let go of his carapace to claw at his chest plates. I felt like I was dying, in a good way. “Baby, no more!” He actually made me squeal as I twitched in his grip at one point, and I knew I was done. I had the sudden urge to press down and my body followed through.

I actually cried. Breathing wasn’t a possibility any longer. He made it worse, if possible.

“I haven’t even begun to indulge you in what I’ve learned,” he hissed. “I’m going to tear that pussy of yours apart. I’m taking you as soon as you come, right when you’re tightest.”

I bit my lip as I continued to teeter on the edge. How the hell had he learned that? And why was he so good at it, even with his usually subordinate vocals.

“Come for me,” he growled. “I want to see it again.” He increased the setting, immediately making my chest tighten completely. Short, breathless screams escaped me at every twitch of my hips. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t feel my fingers as I gripped him hard. My body rolled out of my control. My nails dug uselessly at the plates of his chest. I begged him to stop. I couldn’t breathe.

All at once, air filled my lungs, releasing in a short scream. I felt everything rush to my sex, leaving me tense. Every reverberation made me twitch away. He finally let up and turned the device off.

I fell back into the pillows, my throat dry. I was given no chance to calm down before he growled at me and nudged my hips. I got the hint and rolled over. I lifted my hips for him. He took advantage of the slickness of his teasing and slipped right in to his knot. He put a hand above mine, keeping close to my back as he took me. My muscles clenched against him with every pass of his ridges. He held my hip hard, and I felt his claws start to break skin.

I heard his flanging hisses shifting between his teeth as he took me, sharp and fast, forever taunting me with that knot of his. His weight pressed against me, sliding us forward while he kept my hips up and pressed into him, meeting his harsh thrusts. The free hand that had rested by mine unfastened my hair from its usual ponytail, letting my hair fall into his grasp. With his forearm taking most of his weight, he used our tight situation to his advantage. He used his grip to tilt my neck for him. I felt a shiver of a moan reverberate through his body.

I couldn’t breathe as his teeth sank into the back of my neck, pinning me down farther as his strokes became firmer. We were both sober by then. We didn’t need the high to continue. At any other time, the pain would have made me shoot him in the ass for doing. That wasn’t the case with how he kept them at just the right depth to not sever anything vital. I moaned into the sheets, my fingers gripping them uselessly, trying to find something to hold on to. A knot quickly built in my stomach, amplified by electric surrounding my sex.

He must have felt it by his increased pace. It lost pattern, becoming desperate. His moans came out more and more gravelly.

I wasn’t prepared for him to stop everything and pull out. He knelt back and nudged my hips. I rested on my back, letting him press my thighs to his bared waist. One of his arms slid under my head, careful of his forearm scales. The other laid on the other side, letting him press his lips to mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck, playing with the sensitive spot under his fringe. He jerked his hips forward, his ridges running over my still-sensitive clit. “Garrus…”

“Beg me.”

I let out a breathless laugh. His hips thrust forward again and I moaned. “Please…” Again. “Oh, fuck.” He kept doing it, making me curse each time.

His chuckle came out as a warped purr. “I love how high of a pitch your voice goes. Like a little mouse.”

Those fucking ridges… I immediately forgot his mouse quip as I arched up into him, my hips seeking his as he continued to thrust through my orgasm. “Fuck me, please Garrus!”

All it took was a subtle shift of his hips. One moment he was drawing out my orgasm, the next, he was part of it, filling me up. I couldn’t handle his never-ending thrusts. One after the other, my muscles couldn’t stop clenching. I held on to his neck, clawing uselessly against the scales as he moaned heavily into my throat.

I couldn’t take it. I pressed my lips to his scars, leaving kisses as I trailed down to his neck, feeling his mandibles twitch against my hair. His free hand ran up my thigh, pressing it against the plates of his ribs. His claws ran down my leg the whole way.

His thrusts left me gasping at each one, my breath on his neck. Without thinking, I sank my teeth into the softer scales, immediately hearing him purr possessively.

My back arched, pushing me full-flush to him as he took me. The free arm held the small of my back in place, knowing I’d keep my leg where he put it.

I almost couldn’t believe it as he managed to hit something I thought to be a myth on the female body. Immediately my moans against his skin increased and I bit harder. He growled, his talons flexing against my skin. “I-If you stop I will kill you, Vakarian.” I squealed the last bit, pressing into his throat again.

He did quite the opposite. His thrusts became animalistic. A sharp stab sent his knot into me. The screams I made with each thrust would have been heard by the level below had we been on the ship.

That urge to press down came again and I did. His thrusts tore through my hold over and over again. All of a sudden, it was too much again.

Luckily his tone and pace faltered. His hips gave a jerk and he pulled out, rubbing against my clit again as he spilled. I released my hold on his throat only when he stopped moving, both of us trying hard to remember the correct pattern to cycle air.

I let my head fall back and ran a hand through my hair, laughing as the air came back in normal tugs. “Holy shit…”

“My thoughts exactly.” His primary vocals had returned. He pressed his forehead to mine, both of us closing our eyes as our hearts were the next things to slow down.

Nothing else existed.

I pressed my lips to his.

The battles didn’t exist.

He pressed back, his fingers holding my cheeks gently, claws entangled in my hair.

Cerberus didn’t exist.

He leaned back, taking me with him, never breaking our pace as he let me straddle his hips. My hands splayed over his pectoral plates.

The Reapers. Those fucking things didn’t exist.

Only this man did. If every glowing scar on my face was what it took to keep us both alive, I’d wear them proudly. I never had a reason to come back from a battle, from a war before. I had no family. I had no one waiting for me at home. I still didn’t. I had someone by my side. And I by his.

He pressed his flat nose to mine. “I love you.” He kissed me again. His breath seemed short again. Almost desperate. “I love you.”

I frowned and held on to his mandibles, looking at him. “What—“

“This mission terrifies me, Shepard,” he admitted, letting me understand his sudden anxiety. “Every single calculation and tactic I can think of, despite our progress, I can’t.—“ He cut himself off and leaned his head to mine. “Even the Collector base wasn’t as bleak as this. We’re running out of preparations. Our military strength is almost complete. We’ve recruited almost every soul in the galaxy.” His arms encased me, keeping me on his legs.

“Which means this nightmare is almost over.”

“I can’t put duty before you.”

My heart clenched at his words, but I had no response.

“Call me a bad turian, but I can’t.”

“Then we don’t.” I found one of his hands and held it in mine. “I’m giving you a new duty. Survive for me. Fight for me. Your duty is keeping yourself alive for me to come home to.”

He laughed, a sound that gave away how scared he really was. “I can do that.”

“And just so you know, I wouldn’t want anyone else out there with me, covering my back.” I gripped his hand. “I’m scared too.”

“That’s how we know we’re still sane. Knowing this could be our last night completely alone… I think what we’re doing is logical.”

“In that case, I think we should start round two.” I put my hands to his face gently, holding him there a little longer. “I love you, too, Garrus.”

We used whatever waking hour we could making sure that, in case it was to be our last night completely alone, it would be one we would be able to hold on to. Regardless of the outcome.


	7. Chapter 7

I was greeted in the morning by silence. Very still, dark silence. The only thing that broke the pattern was an occasional heavy breath coming from somewhere in the dark next to me. It was a rarity for him to still be asleep when I woke. He was usually up in the middle of my sleep cycle, though he had started the habit of slipping back in with me an hour before I would wake. The drug must have knocked him out, as it tended to do to some.

It wouldn't make him any heavier of a sleeper though.

I slipped out of bed carefully, flinching at every sound the mattress and the sheets made as I moved. Luckily, my massive lizard either remained blissfully unaware I had moved, or he was pretending.

Even if he was, I needed the time.

I pulled on my N7 sweater and zipped it. I left the room as quietly as possible. It took a second to grow accustomed to the increase of light from the city beyond my drawn shades. I padded down the stairs, still feeling like I was in a foreign place than my rightful home. Was it really a week ago that this place was full to capacity as we all tried to forget?

I stood in front of my coffee table. Nestled in an ashtray, half a joint from some point last night looked back at me. It was something for myself, since he wouldn't be able to draw on it. I picked it up and fell into a corner of my couch, pulling my legs up with me while I snagged the lighter in my shifting. It lit just as easily as a cigarette. I wanted to enjoy it while I could.

I shifted again to get more comfortable. I frowned at a rattling sound. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the pills I had received from Karin.

My high went to a low immediately.

Garrus hadn't been the only one running numbers. I'd been running them as well since the start of the damned recruitment missions and even months later, I didn't like our odds. More importantly, I didn't like my odds. I would not send my subordinates to do what I should be doing. I would not leave the whole galaxy in the same state as Torfan. I took another drag and tossed the bottle in my one-handed grip. When had it become this… bleak? When had I started to need sleeping aids just to calm the nightmares? When had I started to give a flying fuck if I came back or not?

When I looked up, I saw the answer leaning on the railing, just watching. With his bird-like eyes, it only made his concern and his own fear more evident.

We had both made changes we never thought to make in our lives. We had both only lived to serve, both in our militaries and in service to the Council. We had both come home to nothing for years. We had already accepted that if we died, we died for our cause.

When had that changed?

What we had was only started out of curiosity and pure attraction. The sex had been awkward. Good, but awkward. Mordin hadn't given only me advice on alien anatomy. But that was all it was supposed to be. It was a suicide mission. There was no future attached to our few hours before the Relay. It was what felt right at the time. And then when we came back, all alive despite the odds, the next few times were more in relief. In taking pleasure solely because it was something physical to remind us we survived. Maimed and scarred, yes, but the mission had ended well. When I was arrested, I was told through James Garrus had returned to Palaven. That he was needed for his newly discovered intellect about the Reapers.

It was then… Small then, but it had to have been. Where I missed him physically and intimately for some time. Then seeing him again on Menae… That night left my legs more sore than they had in months, both from forgetting the protective lotion for my skin and from being contorted in ways they hadn't been stretched in ages.

That was it. That was when the gravity of the mission started to hit me. When I realized I had a future.

That future came down the stairs and I took another drag, trying to drown my anxiety in my chest with smoke.

It was when he told me how he really felt all those months, that was when I realized I may not survive past the mission. That he might not. In that moment, I let myself be vulnerable for only him, and I have not regretted the choice since.

He took the remains of the joint from me and put it in the ashtray. "We'll have to leave soon," he rumbled while he sat on the other end of the couch. I couldn't help but seek out the natural crevices his body made, feeling his scales and plates shift under my touch.

"Going back means a lot of things come to an end," I muttered into his thick flesh. I rested my bare leg against his clothed one. "This ends."

"For now. It's not the end, Sweetheart. Not if I have a say in the matter. You ordered me to survive for you. Well, I'm ordering the same of you."

I let out a soft laugh. "You can't order your commanding officer around, Mr. Vakarian."

"No, but I can give my girlfriend an order every now and then, can't I?"

I nodded against his naked chest, resting my forehead to the crevice above his keelbone.

"Good." He took the pills still in my grasp and inspected the writing. "And for now, if you need these, use them. You have enough demons to worry about fighting." He brushed the hair from my face. "Nothing will end here for good. Even if something happens to this place, I promise, we'll have some sort of life on our own, away from missions for awhile."

I gave an amused hum. It did sound nice. "The Great Commander Shepard is never allowed to rest. If I save the galaxy from the Reapers, if I manage to pull it off, I'll be dragged into some new galactic tiff in a month."

"They can train another Great Commander Shepard."

"No arguments there. How many other soldiers have gone through the shit we have? How many are doing what I have to do?"

"You have the best charisma, I suppose."

"I threw a man out a window because he didn't have answers…"

"As I said, charisma." He patted my leg. "Get dressed. This isn't over for us. It's only just started."

I sat up, holding my weight on his uneven chest. "How long do turians… do what we're doing for?"

He frowned. "We do have courtship before officially claiming someone if that is what you mean. Our courtship can last as long as humans. Or as short. We can be polyamorous or monogamous. Even so, I want to see how far this goes." He touched my face lightly, letting me feel the dull claws. "Even if it means permanently slapping my family in the face for claiming a human."

"Isn't that what you've done though?"

"Oh, no. No, there's a difference even to us of what is claiming and what is playing. Now stop delaying the trek back."

I groaned and got up. "Fine. Wait, you're just as naked as I am. What are you rushing me for?"

"I wasn't the one on top of you, for once," he said with a grin. He stood with me and pulled me back to him. I felt his stiff lips press to my hair. "Whatever happens, good or bad, I love you."

I nodded, my gaze still held to his throat. "I love you, too." My equilibrium spun as I was tilted into his arms. "What the hell, Garrus?"

"Indulge me in something. Besides, you'd take too long to get up the stairs in your state."

I arched a brow but held on to his carapace and keelbone regardless. "What something is this?"

"Seeing if something feels right. I may need to know one day."

It took me halfway through his explanation for me to understand. I didn't want to bother telling him it typically counted only going through the front door. I laughed into the raised skin of his carapace. "Prince Charming, you are not."

"I don't try to be charming. Now seductive on the other hand…"

I felt a rumble course under my fingers. "Naughty boy, we don't have enough time."

He chuckled. "Of course. I can fantasize for a few hours." He dropped me on the bed and crawled over me. "It's more fun when we wait anyway."

The playful tone of his voice made some of the anxiety fade away. I couldn't stop a small smile from slipping. "How do you do it?"

His own smile faded to confusion. "Do what?"

"Make everything feel like it's alright."

He turned his intense blue eyes away for a moment. "I wish I knew. Could bottle it and make a fortune in these times."

I shoved at his shoulder as we both laughed. "Fine. Spoil the moment."

He chuckled. "Alright, I'll bite. Because right now, you are alright. Nothing can get you. Here, you're not a commander. You're not in control of anything but yourself. You can entrust someone else with that responsibility. Here, I protect you. You don't have to have your guard up. I have it for us both." He leaned up more. "More or less."

An amused huff left me. "More or less indeed." But he wasn't wrong. I was a normal person here. And he a normal turian. Stripped of rank, stripped of all that was important to the outside world, we were equals. And, in strength, he was the protector. I held on to his arms. "Let's get back to the damned ship. I want this over with."

"One last thing."

I met his gaze.

"I don't know if you know this, but we believe in spirits. Particularly those who have moved on from our world. They are our equivalent to God, I guess. When someone passes on, their spirit returns to the stream. Which is why I mention Spirits so much." He took a deep breath, but it wavered at the end. "If something happens to me, know this. My spirit will protect you through the rest of the mission. I'm with you until the end, bitter, sweet, or both."

I was for sure ruined for human men forever. "I think I can accept that."

* * *

As agreed, we both went our separate ways on board. I went to seek out Liara, just to talk. Her lock was red. It wasn't like her to have the lock on this far into the morning. I raised my knuckles to knock on the door.

I almost knocked on Javik's head as said door opened. "Javik? What are you doing here?"

He cleared his throat. "Doctor T'soni and I were… researching all last night."

From the quickly fastened bindings of his armor, researching was one word for it. I smirked. "I see."

"Shepard?"

I looked around Javik. Liara was coming towards us, making a berth around a scramble of papers containing what had to be hours of notes. I frowned. Maybe he had just taken the armor off for the hours they were working and nothing more had happened. The work on the floor told a story of too many hours of research to allow for wandering thoughts.

"Did you need me for something? Javik was just leaving to gather us tea to keep working."

I allowed Javik to pass and stepped into the room, feeling the door close behind me. "So, only research?" I arched a brow suggestively.

To my surprise, her cheeks flushed a bit. "Not that I'm not curious, but it is a professional relationship."

I grinned at that. "Garrus is my subordinate and he has no problems forgetting that when it comes to—"

"I've heard it before first-hand, thank you very much."

I pointed at her defensively. "That was your fault. You came up to my cabin without pinging me."

"To which I've learned my lesson." She sighed and seemed to deflate a bit. The circles under her eyes betrayed her weariness. She'd be no good on the field for a few days if she kept this up. When she was determined, she'd see it through to the end. "He's from an entirely different time, where the most intelligent beings of our era once ate flies. One does not simply initiate a request for intercourse with someone like that on a daily basis."

"You make it sound so formal." I leaned against the console in the corner, by Glyph. "Liara, we could die tomorrow. We could die in five minutes if a Reaper ship catches us. Do you really want to hold on to regrets?"

Her brow ridges narrowed. "Why are you pushing me to sleep with him?"

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. "Because the sexual tension between you two is suffocating the entire crew."

She sat amongst her notes, looking like she was busy. "I doubt it's that bad. I hardly notice it anymore."

"That's because you're being an idiot." I waited for her to look up at me. I kept my face neutral. "Do you know why I slept with a turian only before going into that Relay?" She shook her head. "Curiosity. I wanted to know before I died. Don't you?"

"I'm flattered, but I do not think of Garrus in that way." She smiled and let out a huff of amusement as I shifted to yell at her. "I see your point, Shepard. But what about putting this book together? Isn't that more important for us right now?"

"Not much point if readers won't be around long enough to read it." I sighed and moved my weight to my ankle so I could cross my legs beneath me, sitting in front of Liara. "Look. If you spend a few minutes, or hell, even a few hours, just enjoying what time we may have left… would it make you a horrible person?"

Her gaze fell to her papers again. "I suppose not."

"I mean, what's the worst that could happen? If it gets awkward, you can always hope he gets launched out an airlock."

She raised her knuckles to her lips as she laughed into her hand. "There is that." Her blue gaze raised to me again. "Alright. I'll see to it that some of that tension is relieved. Thank you for being a good friend. And for knowing when to deal with my stubborn self."

"In this line of work, you learn to deal with stubbornness. Either with a bullet, or antagonizing."

Her grin remained. "And there are still some who wonder why a woman such as yourself carries those scars."

"Not just for show." I winked and shifted back to my feet. "It doesn't take too long to make tea. I'll leave you two alone." I left her to her papers, looking around the corner to the kitchen as I walked past the wall. Sure enough, Garrus was talking to Javik while standing next to the dextro coffee maker. I left them to their discussion. Instead I went to my cabin. I was still drained from last night, and I only stayed vertical long enough to make it to the mattress. I looked up through the skylight, listening to the hum of the engines. Anxiety threaded through my chest. I curled my fingers against my shirt.

Fear was a valid emotion to have, I realized. It was a valuable asset. Fear reminds you there is danger. You can be hurt. You can die. Fear reminds you to protect those you love, to fear for their survival.

The fear of the lives of the remainder of the galaxy. That was what drove me.

That was what made me use my fear.

That fear… it kept me alive in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to finish this. Original work and school got the best of me. The two stories may be over, but comments, kudos, bookmarks, anything are very much loved!


End file.
